Fixing the First Page Feature #15

Photo credit: Dominic's pics on Flickr

So tomorrow is October and I, for once, am so ready for the new month (September, I'd like to say it was nice knowing you, but I musn't tell lies). And! End if September means a fixing the first page critique for you guys so here we go! 

As per usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (I'm just one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Let's do this.

Title: SAMANA'S FLAIR

Genre/Category: YA Fantasy

First 250:

"Music beckons the soul from its darkest places. That’s what Demeriz, Samana’s Wanderer-Sister had told her yesterday. Silence surrounded Samana now. The meager glow of the scratch glass torch held by the Flairian warrior behind her and the other slaves couldn’t penetrate the vast cavern’s black corners or the hatred in her heart. 

Scrape, scrape, scrape. The wide bone plate she held in both hands rubbed the dry cave bowels, and grit showered her bare toes. She imagined the caverns sheer side as the face of Chief Highest Skies. Since when did Wanderers get dragged into these mines and put to work with Oonans? Anger locked her jaw and clogged her throat; her fingers tight on the tool. She wiped away bits of her black hair and the fine dust that clung to her temples and neck with the back of her wrist. 

A triumphant shout rang out and a flash of pure light filled the space. Samana twisted to look for its origin, and was promptly shoved back around by rough hands. 

'Keep working flairmaid,' growled Great Claw, her guard. The name suited the way he treated his squad of workers; like a sharp talon digging into their flesh. 

Samana snarled under her breathe. How dare he lay a hand on a fellow Flairian. She may be an orphan, but Demeriz had been her family. Tears welled up Samana’s eyes. Where was Demeriz now? Was she forced into these spirits-abandoned shafts of nothing?"

Interesting! I'm definitely getting a lot of world building without info-dumping upfront, which is fantastic, but I do think the first thing I'm noticing is there are a lot of names/proper nouns: Demeriz, Samana, Wanderer-Sister, Flairian, Chief Highest Skies, Wanderers, Ooonans, Great Claw—all on the first page. I'm wondering if maybe there's a way to spread these out a little more, because by the end of the excerpt, it all felt like a ton at once to me.

Still! I do think this is an interesting start. Let's take a second look:

"Music beckons the soul from its darkest places. That’s what Demeriz, Samana’s Wanderer-Sister had told her yesterday. This is a nice image, but honestly I don't see how it relates at all to the rest of the page. My guess is it'll get referenced again later on, but because I'm not seeing an immediate connection, it makes me wonder if maybe another hook would be more effective. Silence surrounded Samana now. The meager glow of the scratch glass torch (Very cool image) held by the Flairian warrior behind her and the other slaves couldn’t penetrate the vast cavern’s black corners or the hatred in her heart. So this here is emotional telling. I've already written a post about how to write emotion effectively, and this is definitely a situation where I think we'd benefit from seeing the emotion and how it affects her rather than being told it's there.

Scrape, scrape, scrape. The wide bone plate she held in both hands rubbed the dry cave bowels, and grit showered her bare toes.  So great! Love this imagery. She imagined the caverns sheer side as the face of Chief Highest Skies. Since when did Wanderers get dragged into these mines and put to work with Oonans? Anger locked her jaw and clogged her throat; her fingers tight on the tool. This is close! If you could rewrite this sentence without using "anger" you'd have a great example of shown emotion here. She wiped away bits of her black hair and the fine dust that clung to her temples and neck with the back of her wrist. 

A triumphant shout rang out and a flash of pure light filled the space. Samana twisted to look for its origin, and was promptly shoved back around by rough hands rough hands promptly shoved her back (adjusted to make the sentence more active). 

'Keep working flairmaid,' growled Great Claw, her guard. The name suited the way he treated his squad of workers; like a sharp talon digging into their flesh. Nice.

Samana snarled under her breathe. How dare he lay a hand on a fellow Flairian.? She may be an orphan, but Demeriz had been her family. Right now, I have no idea what this means. What does Demeriz have to do with the way she's being treated? How does Demeriz being her family change anything? I know this is something you'd probably explain later, but I have trouble sympathizing with her in the next sentence when I don't really understand the connection. Tears welled up Samana’s eyes. Where was Demeriz now? Was she forced into these spirits-abandoned shafts of nothing?" That said, this is written really well. I like the balance between Samana's emotion and her thoughts. I think we just need a tad more clarification so that the readers understand what's going on and thus can really feel for Samana.

As I said above, I think this is really well done and just needs a tad more so readers can really delve into the story and connect with your protagonist. You're almost there! If I saw this in the slush (and, you know, it fit what I was looking for) I'd keep reading. Overall, great job.

Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Emily!

Would you like to be featured in a Fixing the First Page Feature? Keep an eye out for next month's giveaway!

Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks showing emotion and gradual world building in the 15th Fixing the First Page critique. (Click to tweet) 

Vlog: How to Name Your Characters

Naming characters can be fun! But also sometimes frustrating and confusing and time-consuming. So I'm sharing my top character-naming tips. 

RELATED LINKS:

• Name resources:
• Lists
• Search
• Popular names lists


• Character Names: How Do You Choose? 

What resources and methods do you use to name your characters?

Twitter-sized bite:

Ready to name your characters, but not sure where to start? @Ava_Jae vlogs her top character-naming tips. (Click to tweet) 

Here We Are

I said I wasn’t going to write a post about what happened on Twitter Friday evening, mostly for the sake of my own emotional and mental wellbeing, but then I woke up on Saturday and saw what the vast majority of people were walking away with and…well. 

Here we are.

For those who didn’t see the blowup, the general recap is this: one of my Twitter friends, who I’m not going to name because I don’t want them to get stuck in the middle of a blowup again, started asking some questions about the way diversity talks have gone in the YA community specifically, and the message that has come out of many, many blowups over time.

Because that conversation was starting, it felt like the right time for me to talk about something that’d been on my mind a lot. And so I did.

Ultimately the tweets were read out of context, and not everyone saw the whole thread which lead to a host of misinterpretations, and assumptions were made about the people talking about the issue (which wasn’t just me) so it got kind of ugly. I didn’t even see all of the ugliness because thankfully most it I wasn’t tagged directly in. I know people were talking about me and others who brought the conversation up. I know many were upset about the generalizations made about us, as was I. I don’t know the full extent of the ugliness because I didn’t need that on my stress levels so I didn’t go looking for it. I honestly just don’t want to know.

But by and large, the responses I did get? In mentions, in DMs, in e-mails—it was from writers who are either a) marginalized and afraid to tell their own stories, b) marginalized and afraid to tell anything but exactly their stories (as in writing about other marginalizations = terrifying) or c) not marginalized, but not wanting to perpetuate monolithic books and feeling like they aren’t allowed to do anything else. Everyone was feeling like it’s a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation—not because you'll get ripped apart if you don't write diverse books (because honestly? You'll probably be fine) but because a lot of writers don't want to keep perpetuating that monolith. Which is basically what my tweets were about.

But you guys, this ripple effect that is already present? These writers—and it’s heartbreaking to see how many fit into those categories above—there are so, so many of them. And nearly all of them were writers I know who care about honest, respectful representation. Writers who are diversity advocates, many of whom have been on the receiving end of bad/nonexistent representation. Writers who I know would do the research, would write as respectfully as they can, would find beta readers to help them, would and do listen listen listen.

This post is for you.

On Saturday morning, I scrolled through my tweets and read blog posts responding to the situation like this and this one, and read e-mails expressing the above that broke my heart. And I thought about one of my WIPs that I love so very much, that I wrote to the best of my ability, that I sent to readers and betas over and over and over to try to make it as authentic and respectful as possible. And I thought about whether I would’ve done anything differently, whether I wished I’d written it in a monolithic Safe Mode and the answer was obvious. No. Not for a second.

Of course, that doesn’t make the possibility of it getting published one day any less terrifying. But here we are, and now we have a choice.

We can write Safe. We can write monoliths. We can say, “if I’m stuck either way, I might as well go the way with less backlash.” For some of us, that’s a choice.

But honestly? I don’t think that’s a real option for me anymore, at least, not right now. Because on Friday night, when the responses were overwhelming and my anxiety was starting to hyperfocus on That WIP and on Every Element Ever in my work, the choice of going back to monolithic manuscripts felt like the only thing that might alleviate that anxiety.

And yet, the thought of going back to that made me so sad. Like, sinking-heart sensation, actually-getting-upset-at-the-thought sad. Because I don’t want that. Because I don’t want to perpetuate these worlds where disabled, neuroatypical, non-white, nonbinary, QUILTBAG—minority—characters don’t exist.

Because seeing my anxiety on the page in Fangirl and OCD Love Story, and a Latino character who doesn’t speak Spanish well in More Happy Than Not meant something to me.

Because not seeing chronically ill characters, except in narratives where they die or are miraculously not sick at the end still means something to me.

Because I’m a chronically ill, anxious, light-skinned Latina tomboy who buried her own identity and assimilated for so long, and I can’t go back. I won’t go back. This matters too much.

So here’s what I’m going to do.

I’m going to write as honestly and respectfully as I can. I’m going to listen and listen and listen. I’m going to read #ownvoices books, and I’m going to listen to critique, and I’m going to keep finding betas to help whether I write my own experience or not, and I’m going to learn. And maybe I’m going to mess up anyway, and if that happens I’m going to listen and listen and listen and absorb as much as I can so I can do better. And then I’m going to keep writing.

And on the days when even that feels like it’s not enough, when my anxiety says why are you doing this to yourself, I’m going to take a step back and talk to my friends who get it. Who have reached out to me and said, “I’m here.” And I’m going to listen. And I’m going to learn. And I’m going to write.

And maybe one day, if I keep going, if I keep writing as honestly and truthfully as I know how, someone will see themselves in my work. And maybe, just maybe I’ll find out about it, and you know? If that happens to just one person, the stress will be worth it. The fear will be worth it.

This is me, promising to you, to do my best. This is me, acknowledging to you, that I’m not perfect and I might mess up. This is me, promising to you, to listen, and learn, and do better if that happens.

But I’m not going to stop talking about it, and I’m not going to stop writing about it, because it just matters too much.

And to those of you who are with me, I’m here for you. I see you. And if you ever need to talk, my inbox is open to you.

How to Write Transitions

Photo credit: Geraint Rowland Photography on Flickr

So a few days ago a funny thing happened where two people suggested basically the same post, on two different social media channels. One requested a post, one requested a vlog, and I ultimately decided a post would be more suited for this question, so. Here we go. 

Transitions. 

Once upon a time in your writing class, or on Twitter, or in a writing book—whatever—you read and heard over and over about the importance of showing rather than telling. “Remember, show don’t tell!” you heard over and over and over, until you pretty much had the words branded to your brain. 

You may remember, if you’ve been around Writability for two years, that I once wrote a post about when is a good time to tell (rather than show). And this right here—the passage of time—is one of those times when telling is key. 

So PSA: readers do not need to know what your characters have experienced every single moment of every single day until the story has ended. The lulls in the day, the passages of uneventful weeks (or months!) is something that as writers we need to learn to navigate without putting our readers to sleep. 

The key, honestly, is the easiest transition in the history of transitions: you skip the whole thing and sum it up with a phrase or sentence. 

Some phrases that are useful with this kind of transition include:

• [Passage of time] later… —A month later…
• After [passage of time] of [what’s been going on]… —After three weeks of falling asleep in the back of class…
• The next [passage of time]… —The next day… 
• [Protagonist] has been [doing whatever] for [passage of time]. —I’ve been passing out in math class for three weeks.

So on and so forth. 

The key to think about when writing these transitions is to answer two questions: 

1. How much time has passed? 
2. What do my readers need to know about what happened during that time? 

Sometimes, as is often the case with shorter passages of time (an hour, a day, etc.), the answer to the second question is nothing. That’s when “The next day” or “Three hours later” work perfectly without any further explanation. 

Oftentimes with longer passages of time, however, readers need just a little information to fill in that gap. Usually you can fill this in in under a sentence (as per the example of “After three weeks of falling asleep in the back of class”) and then move on to whatever is happening in the present. Sometimes, when a little more has happened during that time, but not enough to merit writing it out scene by scene, a few sentences of summarization can fill in the pertinent information before you move on to the important now stuff. 

Last thing you’ll want to think about is whether you make the transition in mid-chapter (usually after a scene break, but sometimes without even that) or at the start of a new chapter. Both can work, and honestly I think it just depends on how you structure your chapters and where the transition fits in naturally. CPs can help you figure out whether you’ve structured your transitions in a way that flows or not. 

Once you’ve done all that, voila! You’ve now skipped over the boring part of your protagonist’s story. A+.

Do you struggle with transitions? What tips do you have? 

Twitter-sized bites: 

Not sure how to handle passages of time in your WIP? @Ava_Jae breaks down how use transitions. (Click to tweet) 

Not sure how to skip a day/week/month, etc. in your WIP? @Ava_Jae explains how to use transitions. #writetip (Click to tweet)

POV Choices in YA

Photo credit: Hometown Beauty on Flickr

For many years now, as a writer I’ve been drawn to first person narratives. All but one (my first) of my many WIPs were written with “I”s and “me”s and to say that I’ve devoured a ton of first person YA narratives over the years is an understatement.

As of late, and for a while now, first person has become super popular in YA (I’m guessing Twilight may have something to do with this, given that it was the first first-person YA I’d ever come across and that series was kiiiiinda a big deal, but don’t quote me on that) though it is absolutely not the only POV option out there. So as a writer trying to decide which POV to use, how do you make that choice?

Let’s take a look at your options.

First person:

“This is worse, so much worse, than them seeing some stupid drawings. 

(Self-Portrait: Funeral in the Forest) 

But Zephyr’s not saying anything, he’s just standing there, looking like his Viking self, except all weird and mute. Why? 

Did I disable him with my mind?” 

-I’ll Give You the Sun by Jandy Nelson, page 5

I suspect first person is so popular now in YA especially because it gives a direct access to the emotional and tumultuous minds of teen protagonists, with the opportunity of a boatload of voice to boot. It’s easy enough for readers to transition into because we generally think in first person, so it feels as though the readers are really in the protagonist’s head, rather than being in a story. I find it an effortless POV to slip into while writing, and it frequently just comes to me naturally which is why I tend to use it so often, but that’s not necessarily the case with everyone.

Second person:

“You’re going to get out. You’ve beaten her. You can find Mercury. You will get three gifts.

But you’ve got to keep going.

You’ll be at the end of the loch in a minute.

Doing well. Doing well.

Not far now.

Soon be able to see over into the valley, and—” 

-Half Bad by Sally Green, page 12

Second person POV is the POV we all learned in middle school not to use. I remember my English teachers telling us second person POV was pretty near pointless to attempt because it was too easy for readers to pull out of the narrative (along the lines of I'm not doing what the book says I'm doing), and generally, second person POV is very rare in YA.

Now while I've yet to come across a YA written entirely in second person (the example I gave above uses sections of second person narrative, but is primarily written in first person), that's not to say that it can't be done. It would, however, probably be super difficult, given alone that readers just aren't used to it. (And honestly? Noooo idea how that would sell, publishing-wise.)

All of that said, you may want to play around with second person if you'd like to try a raw, immediate, and unsettling POV that'll keep your readers on the edge of feeling like everything is a little off. 

 

Third person: 

“Walking to school over the snow-muffled cobbles, Karou had no sinister premonitions about the day. It seemed like just another Monday, innocent but for its essential Mondayness, not to mention its Januaryness. It was cold, and it was dark—in the dead of winter the sun didn’t rise until eight—but it was also lovely. The falling snow and the early hour conspired to pain Prague ghostly, like a tintype photograph, all silver and haze.”

-Daughter of Smoke & Bone by Laini Taylor, page 1

So I frequently mention voice when talking about first person, but the truth is the third person YAs I’ve read are also really really voice-y. Like the above. Mondayness and Januaryness and that imagery and—

I should probably stop fangirling and talk to you about third person perspective.

In terms of distance, third person perspective is slightly more distant to readers in that they aren’t plopped right in the POV character’s head—instead, they’re fed the story through a narrator, who, depending on how the POV is written (third person limited vs. omniscient, for example) will filter the story through that particular characters thoughts and feelings like first person, but through a separate narration.

That was confusing. Third person can do just about everything first person can do, but can also pull back more than first person can (though it doesn’t have to).

So what POV should you use? The truth is, it’s totally up to you to decide what feels most natural for the story (and for you). But the above are some things you may want to consider when deciding. If you experiment and read widely, you’ll figure out what’s right for your manuscript.

What POV do you prefer to read/write?

Twitter-sized bite:

Brainstorming a new WIP idea and not sure what POV to use? @Ava_Jae breaks down your options & things to consider. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Giveaway Winner #15!

Photo credit: Genna G on Flickr

Super quick pre-post post today to announce the winner of the fifteenth fixing the first page feature giveaway! So here we go!

*drumroll*

The winner is…

E.G. MOORE

Yay! Congratulations, E.G.! Expect an e-mail from me shortly.

Thank you to all you lovely entrants! If you didn't win, as always, there will be another fixing the first page giveaway next month, so keep an eye out! :)

Vlog: 4 Mistakes I Made as a New Writer

I made a lot of mistakes when I first started writing, and now I'm sharing them with you so hopefully you don't make the same ones. Enjoy!

RELATED LINKS:

• Why You Need Critique Partners (vlog)
• Why Writers Must Read
• Why Writers Must Read (vlog version)
• Time is On Your Side
• How to Choose Critique Partners
• Critique Partners: They're Not Optional
• 5 Places to Find Critique Partners
• How to Love Editing (vlog)
• How to Edit: The First Read Through (vlog)
• How to Edit: The Second Draft (vlog)
• How to Edit: The CP Trade (vlog)

Have you made any of these mistakes? 

Twitter-sized bites: 

Writer @Ava_Jae vlogs about mistakes she made as a new writer. Have you made any of these mistakes? (Click to tweet)  

"It was really hard for me to let go of the expectation of getting pub'd as a teen." —@Ava_Jae on new writer errors. (Click to tweet)