Fixing the First Page Feature #16

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November is nearly here! And I, for one, could not be more excited. Though I suppose that also means I really need to decide whether or not I'll be NaNoing this year, like, soon, but details, amirite? 

Ehem. Anyway. Let's start this month's fixing the first page critique, shall we?

As is the usual MO, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (I'm just one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Here we go. 

Title: IMPERIAL DAWN

Genre: YA Fantasy

First 250:

"Never trust a man who smiles as he stabs you in the back. Then again, if a creepy, smiling dude approaches you with a knife, you should probably run. Just saying. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t have a choice.

I’d given up my right to choose when I’d agreed to steal for him, to kill in his name.

So why did I trust him? 

Let’s just say it’s complicated. 

I pulled myself through the window, grimacing as the floorboards creaked menacingly. “Shut up, you.” I muttered. 

The room was dark and musty, smelling of mothballs and old paint. I wrinkled my nose and pushed through the heavy velvet curtains. Rich people’s houses were weird - you could practically smell the richness. As if it wasn’t obvious enough from the golden toilets and satin underwear.

I glanced around hopefully for anything worth stealing, but somehow, creepy family portraits and ugly old doilies didn’t cut it. I couldn’t picture myself lugging a golden toilet around, or selling satin underwear to some poor street merchant, so I heaved a sigh and headed towards the door. The gods of fate must’ve had something against me - or maybe they just liked watching me suffer. I glanced around glumly, remembering Cain’s instructions.

Get in. Get the papers. Get out.

He’d made it sound so easy. Jerk. 

In pitch blackness, I began rifling through drawers. 'C’mon-' 

I froze as cold steel pricked my throat, and a low voice ordered, 'Don’t move.' 

That’s when I knew I was screwed."

You know, reading this was funny for me because I'm actually working on a WIP with a somewhat similar-ish opening. Small world lol.

Anyway! I like the protagonist's attitude, and I think it definitely makes for an interesting opening. I like some of the details here, but I'm still having trouble picturing the setting (what room in the house is it, for example? What clues can you give us about the time/place?). Also, the first four paragraphs didn't really work for me—it's dangerous to start with exposition, and the first paragraph especially felt a little borderline corny to me. I think it'd be stronger if the first four paragraphs were cut and a short hook was added before the protagonist climbs in.

Now for the in-line notes:

"Never trust a man who smiles as he stabs you in the back. Then again, if a creepy, smiling dude approaches you with a knife, you should probably run. Just saying. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t have a choice.

I’d given up my right to choose when I’d agreed to steal for him, to kill in his name.

So why did I trust him? 

Let’s just say it’s complicated. 

[Like I mentioned above, I'd like to see a hook added here and the above removed. It'd be great if you could give us a sense of the stakes right away—right now, I have no idea why the MC needs what they need, or what will happen if the MC doesn't get it. Why is your MC stealing? What's at stake for your MC, personally? Giving us a sense of this right away would make the rest much more compelling, because we know what your MC has to lose.] I pulled myself through the window, grimacing as the floorboards creaked menacingly. “Shut up, you.,” I muttered. Why is the MC speaking at all? If they're breaking in, wouldn't it be stupid to talk, even if quietly?

The room was dark and musty, smelling of mothballs and old paint What does old paint smell like? I know what new paint smells like, but usually when a room has been painted a while ago, the smell of the paint disappears. I wrinkled my nose and pushed through the heavy velvet curtains. Rich people’s houses were weird - you could practically smell the richness. I like this, BUT it directly conflicts with what you said the house smells like—mothballs and old paint. I'd imagine richness would smell new and luxurious, not like your grandmother's house. As if it wasn’t obvious enough from the golden toilets and satin underwear. Ha ha nice.

I glanced around hopefully for anything worth stealing, but somehow, creepy family portraits and ugly old doilies didn’t cut it. I couldn’t picture myself lugging a golden toilet around, or selling satin underwear This made me pause because I thought the line above wasn't literal. If it is literal, then did he break into a bathroom? How else would he know they actually have golden toilets? What room is he in? I'm having trouble conceptualizing where he is. to some poor street merchant, so I heaved a sigh and headed towards the door. The gods of fate must’ve had something against me - — I'm noticing this in a few places, so make sure you use em dashes rather than hyphens. The former are longer (see above). or maybe they just liked watching me suffer. I glanced around glumly, remembering Cain’s instructions.

Get in. Get the papers. What are these papers? Why are they so important? We need to know what your protagonist knows and why this is important to your protagonist, otherwise there's very little tension in this scene. Get out.

He’d made it sound so easy. Jerk. I like this. :D

In pitch blackness, I began rifling through drawers. Again, what room is he in? Are there other drawers? What kind of drawer is this—a filing cabinet? A dresser drawer? A kitchen cabinet? I know it's dark in the room, but if he can see enough to be able to pick out a sheet of paper (which, how can he? Does he have a flashlight?) then he must be able to see some of the rest of the room, too. 'C’mon-' 

I froze as cCold steel pricked my throat, and I froze. (It's better to put the reaction after something happens, a) so the reader is just as surprised as the protagonist and b) because logically, that's how your MC would process it—cold steel on their throat, then freezing.) and a A low voice ordered, 'Don’t move.' 

That’s when I knew I was so screwed I considered cutting this line altogether, but I think it works better if you remove the filtering part. Otherwise I'd just delete the whole line because it's telling and we can already tell your protag is in trouble without your MC saying so."

I think this could potentially be a really hook-y opening, it just needs a little more working. If the stakes are added in from the start and we get more description throughout, I think this opening could be really great. You're almost there! Just keep expanding.

If I saw this in the slush as is, I would probably pass, but if the elements I mentioned above were fixed, I'd definitely be interested in continuing.

I hope this helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Jay!

Would you like to be featured in a Fixing the First Page Feature? Keep an eye out for next month's giveaway!

Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks setting the stakes from the start & sensory description in the 16th Fixing the First Page critique. (Click to tweet)

On Word Crutches

Photo credit: kenteegardin on Flickr

So over the weekend, while burying myself in revisions in a desperate attempt to try to finish revisions before NaNo (something that is still in progress), I came across the part of my edit notes that listed words I was overusing.

Forgetting, I suppose, that this is my least favorite part of the editing process, I plugged my MS in word cloud, wrote down the most commonly overused words, added the words from my edit notes to the list, and started searching.

And, well. This happened.

Agent: You say "breath/breathe/breathing" a lot. Me: Whaaat? *looks up "breath"* *220 matches* o.o #amrevisifying

— Evil Jae (@Ava_Jae) October 25, 2015

Word crutches, unfortunately, happen to everyone—and more so, I've found that when you get rid of one crutch, you tend to accidentally add another to your repertoire. (For example, my characters used to arch their eyebrows all the time—now, apparently, they think about breathing constantly.) I'm guessing this tends to happen because when you're first drafting, you're mostly focused on getting the words and story down without getting too caught up on which words your using, which means your brain will rely on many defaults. Which is okay. Because first drafts.

Going through your manuscript to cut down on the crutches should be one of the final things you check for, because if you end up having to add more to your MS, you'll probably add them back in, or vice versa, if you end up cutting something from your MS, you'll have wasted time removing a crutch from a passage that's getting trashed anyway.

Many times, I've found when systematically removing these overused words, that many of them are often redundant to begin with, i.e.: saying it's night then repeating that it's dark, or saying it's winter then repeating that it's cold (both of which maybe I found several times in this WIP...oops). And while going through and removing them unfortunately can be a little time-consuming, it is ultimately one of the easier parts of the process, even if I do find it excruciatingly boring.

But one way or the other, removing word crutches is part of the polishing process necessary in those couple final steps of manuscript editing. And removing them not only tightens your writing, but challenges you to push yourself in terms of not always relying on the first words that come to mind.

What are some of your writing crutches?

Twitter-sized bites:

Have a lot of overused words? @Ava_Jae talks tackling this step of WIP polishing. (Click to tweet) 

What are some of your writing crutches? Join the discussion on @Ava_Jae's blog. (Click to tweet)

Vlog: To NaNo or Not to NaNo?

NaNoWriMo is upon us! And some of you may still be undecided about whether or not to participate—which is okay! If that's you, here are some things you may want to consider before deciding.

To NaNo, or not to NaNo? That is the question.

RELATED LINKS: 

• A whole playlist of NaNo vlogs just for you! 
• All of my NaNoWriMo blog posts.
• How I Won NaNoWriMo in 9 Days
• How to Make NaNoWriMo Especially Difficult
• How to Fast Draft

Have you NaNoed before? What was your experience like?

Twitter-sized bites:

Not sure whether or not you want to NaNo? @Ava_Jae vlogs about some things you may want to consider. (Click to tweet) 

Undecided about whether to NaNo? @Ava_Jae vlogs about her experience & some determining factors. #NaNoWriMo (Click to tweet)

Discussion: Will You NaNo This Year?

Photo credit: mpclemens on Flickr

So NaNoWriMo is THIS SUNDAY—*queue freakout*—and I am buried under revisions. At this point I have no idea whether or not I’ll be able to participate, which isn’t fun especially since I do actually have a half-plotted WIP idea, but revisions have to be my top priority right now (I will talk about this a little in tomorrow’s vlog).

Still! I'm hopeful that maybe, somehow, I’ll finish in time to plot out the WIP idea and try to jump in (and just in case I do—this is my NaNo profile). Not making any promises right now…but we’ll see.

I’m curious, though—who is participating this year? Who is still thinking about it? And remember, I have a NaNoWriMo round-up post with lots of NaNo secrets and tips for your perusal.

Short post is short because I have revisions to do. But let’s hear it: are you participating in NaNoWriMo this year? Why or why not?

Twitter-sized bite:

Will you participate in NaNoWriMo this year? Why or why not? Join the discussion on @Ava_Jae's blog. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Giveaway Winner #16!

Photo credit: massdistraction on Flickr

Super quick off-schedule post today to announce the winner of the sixteenth fixing the first page feature giveaway! Woot! Here we go.

*drumroll*

And the winner is…

JAY ARIAS!

Yay! Congratulations, Jay! Expect an e-mail from me shortly.

Thank you to all you lovely entrants! If you didn't win, as always, there will be another fixing the first page giveaway next month, so keep an eye out! :)

Let’s Talk About Crowley

Photo credit: drkold on Flickr

So it’s nearly Halloween, and as tends to happen every year I’ve come to realize I hadn’t really posted anything Halloween-y this month. But as Writability has had several Halloweens, I’ve already posted about writing fears (debunked), rounded up my excellent villains posts, and talked about scary books. Which has left me all month trying to answer to annual question of “what will I post about around Halloween?”

I was coming up empty until last night when, starting Season 10 of Supernatural, it occurred to me that what was become one of my favorite characters is most definitely a villain.

So let’s talk about Crowley.

For those of you who do not watch Supernatural (and if you don’t—why not?), here is a brief, mostly non-spoilery rundown: Crowley is introduced as a crossroads demon (a demon who makes deals with people, usually to give them something they really want in exchange for their soul ten years later), who gleefully maneuvers a homophobic man into kissing him (crossroads demons seal all of their deals with a kiss). From there, over the course of many seasons, he gradually moves up (or down?) the demon hierarchy until he becomes a very important person of evilness.

Crowley does some pretty despicable things throughout his time on the show, including kidnapping and torturing people—some of which are characters we like, double-crossing the protagonists several times over, and manipulating just about everyone all to serve his own interests. On paper, Crowley is not a character to gravitate towards.

But on the other hand, he also has some…shall we say endearing traits? For example, his nonchalant attitude, the way he nicknames Sam “Moose” and Dean “Squirrel” (I don’t know why, but I can’t hate it), his never-ending sarcasm and dry British humor, the way he’s always one step ahead (have I mentioned lately I love smart villains?) and let’s not forget that along the way, he does actually help the protagonists…who then go ahead and try to kill him anyway many times, because he’s a demon. And evil. So.

On top of that, Crowley also has one trait that really stuck out to me most: he never breaks his contracts. Does he create loopholes? Absolutely. But he keeps to his word down to the letter. I won’t go as far to say that he’s honorable, but there’s something to be said for a character that keeps to their word.

So basically, what I’m saying here is as evil of a character as Crowley is, he has depth. He’s not one-sided—something that really comes into play when spoilery things happen in Seasons 8 and 9 and, I’m assuming, 10. By now, at the beginning of Season 10, I can no longer deny that he’s grown on me as a character, and for reasons I won’t get into because spoilers, he’s even become sympathetic.

It will probably not surprise you to hear that I really enjoy writing (and reading, and watching) multi-dimensional, and when possible, sympathetic, villains. Because for me, at least, while I do occasionally enjoy villains who are indisputably one-sidedly evil, the ones that surprise me with other sides of their personalities and even force me to like them (because, curse them, sometimes they have moments that are so damn likable) are frequently the ones that stick with me long after they meet their demise.

Assuming they meet their demise at all, that is…

Do you enjoy multi-dimensional villains? Who are some of your favorites?

Twitter-sized bites:

How do you make villains likable? @Ava_Jae analyzes one of SPN's most popular villains, Crowley, to answer. (Click to tweet)  

Like layered villains? @Ava_Jae talks about her favorite SPN villain Crowley and explores what makes him likable. (Click to tweet)

My Publishing Path is My Own

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So social media being what it is, and the nature of my various social media stuff being what it is, and the general public’s knowledge of publishing being what it is, every once in a while I get questions about my publishing path. Why I chose a small press over self-publishing. How long it took me to get published. Why I didn’t self publish one of my many, many trunked manuscripts. Etc., etc.

Now, I obviously don’t have a problem with discussing my publishing path—I do it here all the time because I hope that my journey can encourage others and/or someone else can learn from my experiences. I like sharing that stuff with you guys.

That said, I think it’s occasionally important to reiterate that my timeline, my writing methods, the choices and strategies that work for me are just that—mine.

I wrote nine manuscripts before writing Beyond the Red and I didn’t self-publish any of them, even though I queried many of them—a decision I’m happy with today because it means I get to debut traditionally, which is the path I’d always dreamed about.

I’m publishing with a small press—a decision that has lead to my working with a really wonderful editor who is possibly one of the nicest people I know, and has meant that I’ve had a lot of input on the design of the book as a whole. Like, way more input and influence than I ever imagined, which means I am so happy with the result.

I outline, then fast-draft because it’s how I work best. I vlog, and blog, and tweet, and tumbl, and Instagram because even though it’s time-consuming, I enjoy it, and it’s allowed me to make really awesome connections and reach new people. I get up early in the morning and try to get as much work done as I can then because my energy levels deplete more quickly than they used to.

But my steps and my strategies aren’t foolproof. What works for me may not work for you; your path won’t look like mine.

My publishing path is my own, and maybe yours will have some similarities. Or maybe yours will look absolutely nothing like mine, and maybe some decisions I made wouldn’t be right for you. But that’s okay. Because there isn’t one golden path to getting published or one right way to write a book.

So listen to various publication stories. Take tips and strategies that work for you and skip over the rest. Try a new writing or plotting or brainstorming method, and if you don’t like it, know that it just wasn’t for you and that’s okay.

Because my path and my strategies and decisions are my own. And so are yours.

Twitter-sized bite: 

"There isn't one golden path to getting published or one right way to write a book." (Click to tweet)