Writability

Fixing the First Page Feature #20

Photo credit: Evangelio Gonzalez MD on Flickr

TOMORROW IS MARCH 1st. MARCH IS NEARLY HERE. DEBUT DAY IS NEARLY HERE. AHHH.

Which. Um. Means it's time for the next Fixing the First Page feature before I go make a blanket fort. Eeep!

As these things go, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Here we go!

Title: WILD CALLING

Genre/Category: YA Historical Paranormal

First 250:

"I sing song after song calling to my Maybelle. I ask the oceans to take the songs to her, to call her back to me.

Chapter One

My Da was Petey Langton, the best liar in the Caribbean; he had to be as a pirate captain. I knew he loved me, I trusted him in that unthinking way you do as a child. I never thought he'd lie to me. I was wrong. He lied to me all my life about Mam, even about who and what I was. Back then I knew nothing of that.

Running over the sand of the bank I leapt out, flying over the water shrieking. Lifting my knees up I hugged them to me, falling with a smack onto the river. It slapped my feet and I sank through the surface, I had to try hard not to gasp at the freshness of the water. My feet hit the mud of the bottom. Pushing down, I flew back up through the water, my arms reaching upwards. Opening my eyes I saw the clear green water streaming past me. I broke through the river into the hot blue air, spluttering.

I yelled at Billy and the other ship's boys on the bank.

'Come in, it's great!'

They stared at me without answering and didn't follow me. Whenever the Silver Cutlass was moored up at Matthewstown me, Billy, and the youngest of the ship's boys had a good deal of fun playing with the village children."

Okay! So, firstly, I am such a fan of the rise in pirates in YA, like, yes. But anyway, the excerpt. I want to start by saying that "Historical Paranormal" would probably be more effectively described as Historical Fantasy, which is an established genre.

As for the excerpt itself, I like the italicized line at the beginning, but I feel like it would work better in the text somewhere, with context. Without the context, it sounds nice, but it doesn't really mean much to me, so as a reader I just skip over it. I also feel like you may want to consider cutting the first paragraph—I understand what the intended purpose is (to establish some conflict upfront), but the whole thing sounds reminiscent to me, like an adult looking back at their child self, which pulls it out of YA. It also gives away a lot of the surprises in the text—I don't want to be told that her father is a liar, I want to be as surprised as she is when she discovers it herself in the plot. Giving away a surprise upfront by telling the readers, to me, lessens the effect of the surprise, and also gives readers the impression that there's likely to be a lot of explaining the plot in the story, which isn't beneficial.

When you remove the first paragraph, of course, you then have a new issue: there isn't really an effective hook in the opening. I think this could probably be tweaked by thinking about the opening scene—whatever the conflict is in the opening scene, is there a way you could allude to it from the start? I can't answer this with just the first 250, but I have a feeling there probably is a way.

Now for the in-line edits:

"~~I sing song after song calling to my Maybelle. I ask the oceans to take the songs to her, to call her back to me.~~

Chapter One

My Da was Petey Langton, the best liar in the Caribbean; he had to be as a pirate captain. I knew he loved me, I trusted him in that unthinking way you do as a child. I never thought he'd lie to me. I was wrong. He lied to me all my life about Mam, even about who and what I was. Back then I knew nothing of that. I already said above why I think these should be cut/moved.

Running over the sand of the bank I leapt out, shrieking as I flew over the water ~~flying over the water shrieking~~. Adjusted for flow purposes—I think this is a little easier to understand. ~~Lifting my knees up~~ I hugged my knees to my chest ~~them to me~~, falling with a smack onto the river. Again, adjusted to improve the flow of the sentence. It slapped my feet and I sank through the surface, I had to try hard not to gasp at the freshness of the water. This sentence reads awkwardly to me, and it's a bit of a run on. Maybe try something like, "The fresh water slapped my feet—I clamped down on a gasp as I sank below the surface." This cuts some of the wordiness out and also makes the sentence more active. My feet hit ~~the~~ [insert adjective: slick? cold? slimy?] mud ~~of the bottom~~. Pushing down, ("Pushing down" is confusing with this context—maybe "kicking off"?) I flew back up through the water, my arms reaching upwards There's a lot of wordiness here, too, and the repetition of "up" brings attention to it. Try rewording this sentence by shortening it and removing the repetition (For example: "I rocketed towards the surface with my arms above my head"). Opening my eyes I saw the clear green water streaming past me Filter phrase alert! Try rewriting without "I saw". I broke through the river into the hot blue air, spluttering. I really like the imagery here, especially "hot blue air." Very nice. :)

I yelled at Billy and the other ship's boys on the bank. I feel like she would know the name of the other ship, right? It'd be a nice detail to place here.

'Come in, it's great!'

They stared at me without answering and didn't follow me You don't need the second half of this sentence—just leaving at the boys staring says well enough that they aren't following her in or speaking. Whenever the Silver Cutlass was moored up at Matthewstown, me, Billy, and the youngest of the ship's boys had a good deal of fun playing with the village children." Technically the bolded is grammatically incorrect...but that could be done on purpose for voice purposes, so I'm letting it slide. :)

Despite my many, many suggestions, I actually do like this opening, and I'm curious to see what happens (did I mention I really like pirate books?). This is a fun start, and with some tweaks I think it could potentially be strong—we could just use a hint of tension, some rewording, and some details here and there to solidify the imagery. If I saw this in the slush, I would tentatively continue reading to see how the scene played out.

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Kathryn!

Would you like to be featured in a Fixing the First Page Feature? Keep an eye out for the next critique giveaway in March!

Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks wordiness, details, and avoiding spoilers in the 20th Fixing the First Page critique. (Click to tweet)

How to Make Up Character Names

Photo credit: bump on Flickr

So while I've shared a couple posts on naming characters, I've had some people ask about making names up, which is sometimes required when you're naming characters who are part of a made-up culture, who speak a made-up language. Which was exactly what happened while I was writing Beyond the Red.

Some of the names in the book include Eros, Kora, Dima, Jarek, Serek, Asha, Roma, Anja, Iro, Daven, and Zek. Of course, many of the names in there exist in our world, but one way to create and choose names that sound cohesive is to think about sounds.

The first name I started with when creating Beyond the Red's cast was Eros. I obviously did not make up the name Eros—it's the name of the Greek god of love—but what attracted me to the name was the soft vowel sounds and the way the name flowed. Kora's name followed shortly thereafter, and I began thinking about similarities between their names: they're both two syllables, and have soft vowels connected by an /r/.

I then began thinking about what I wanted the language Kora speaks to sound like. I knew I wanted to use some Spanish influence, given that I know how Spanish pronunciation works very well, but I also wanted to use more hard sounds like /k/, and I knew I wanted "j" to be pronounced more like /y/, like in languages like Swedish.

With those rules in mind I started brainstorming sounds to figure out the phonemics of the language. I did this in a private room, but it probably would've sounded ridiculous to anyone listening in because I was basically blabbering jibberish while deciding what sounds I liked. But it worked, and while I mashed random phonemes together (for example, /ya/ + /rek/ = Jarek) I wrote down the ones that sounded like they could be names.

The more names I had, the easier it was to come up with ones that sounded similar enough to fit, but were still clearly distinguishable. I figured out early on that I liked names that ended in vowels (Kora, Dima, Asha, Roma...) and played with the sound system I was developing until I had a decently-sized group of names that all fit together.

When it came to names for nomads—humans who descended from a large group of people from Earth—I thought more about language change and how I could modify existing names. I ended up with a lot of shortened versions of existing names, like Nol (Nolan), Jessa (Jessica), Aren (Aaron), and so on. I also chose some names based off of English words, like Day and Gray, and altogether ended up with a cast whose names made sense together, but were clearly distinguishable from Sephari (alien) names like Kora and Dima.

There are many different processes and strategies, I'm sure, to creating character names, but being the language nerd that I am, this is the one that worked for me. And maybe it might be effective for you too.

Have you ever made up character names?

Twitter-sized bite:

How do you make up character names? @Ava_Jae shares one technique she used while writing her debut. (Click to tweet)

Top Ten Querying Tips

Photo credit: Bethan on Flickr

So it occurred to me that it's been a while—a long while since I've posted about querying, probably because querying has been far from my mind as of late and also I have a ton of posts about querying. But! Querying is still very much a very important part of the traditional publishing process, and as I've been reading plenty of queries for work, I realized there's no time like the present to talk about it on the blog again.

So here we go. Top ten querying tips, many of which have existing blog posts to expand upon. Enjoy!

Do your research! I really can't emphasize enough how important research is before you start querying. Your query letter may be absolutely incredible, but if you send it to someone who is closed to queries, or who doesn't represent your genre, it's not going to get read. Furthermore, you want to make sure the agent you're querying is someone you genuinely would want to work with—so do your best to try to get a feel for what the agent is like before you start sending out query letters. (Bonus: here's a vlog on query research.)

Follow submission guidelines. This is so important! Not following submission guidelines is a really easy way to get rejected. Don't send page 30-35 of your book if the submission guidelines ask for the first five pages. Don't use attachments if the submission guidelines tell you not to. Follow directions and you are much more likely to leave a good impression.

Stick to one page. This is the expected format, and considering how many queries agents and editors see every day (that is to say, a TON), you can probably easily understand why. Furthermore, if you can't keep your query to a page, agents and editors may get the impression that you're overly wordy and don't know how to make cuts in your manuscript, either. Which is not in your favor.

The book is the most important. While it's great to know if you have some sort of credentials for your particular book, the focus and bulk of your query should absolutely be on the story. Trust me when I say you don't need three paragraphs about yourself—the story is what agents and editors need to know about the most. (Bonus: here are five things you don't need in your query.)

Use details. This is the number one problem I see in queries and pitches alike—the summary is so general that it sounds like a hundred other books. When writing your query, make sure to include details that are specific to your book. What sets your book apart from others like it? How is this story uniquely geared to your book? What makes yours different? In an industry where thousands of pitches pass across agent and editor desks every year, this is absolutely vital. (Link in title of this point shares tips for writing details in queries.)

Book comps are your friend. I've actually really come to love book comps and use them even now when I pitch a story idea to my agent—or before that, when I'm brainstorming an idea to start with. Book comps are great because they show you know the market, they give an idea of where your book would fit on the shelf, and they show there's a potential audience for your book. For tips on choosing book comps, check out the link at the beginning of this point.

Get your query critiqued. This is a frequently overlooked step, but I think it's really, really helpful. I highly recommend getting your query critiqued by both your critique partners, who have read your book, and by writers who haven't read your manuscript. Their combined feedback will help you determine whether the query fits your book and whether it's intruiguing on it's own without being confusing to those who haven't read your book.

Keep track of your submissions. This is a very helpful organizational step that will ensure you don't send the same query to the same agent, or you don't accidentally send simultaneous submissions to two agents at the same agency. I highly recommend QueryTracker for this purpose.

Pitch contests are cool too. There are pitch contests semi-frequently on Twitter, that are both really exciting and fun and also can be a great opportunity to get requests from agents. I actually found my agent through a blog contest, so I know first hand that these can sometimes be effective. :)

Find distractions. Once you've started querying, I highly recommend you find something to distract you. If you're able to write while querying, working on a new project can be great, but if not, now's a good time to catch up on your TBR pile, or spend time with family, or watch a couple movies you've been wanting to see, etc. Just find something to keep your mind busy. (Bonus: here's a vlog on how to survive the query wars.)

What tips would you add to the list?

Twitter-sized bite:

Getting ready to query? @Ava_Jae shares her top 10 query tips + lots of linked resources. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Giveaway Winner #20!

Photo credit: looking4poetry on Flickr

Quick pre-post post to announce the winner of the twentieth fixing the first page feature giveaway! Yay!

*drumroll*

And the twentieth winner is…

KATHRYN HEWITT!

Woohoo! Congratulations, Kathryn! Expect an e-mail from me shortly.

Thank you to all you truly lovely entrants! If you didn't win, as always, there will be another fixing the first page giveaway in March, so be on the lookout! :)

Vlog: BEYOND THE RED Unboxing!

So two Fridays ago my editor sent me a vaguely book-shaped mystery package. And so this vlog was born. :)

Bonus: Inside the book tour!

RELATED LINKS:

Twitter-sized bite:

Watch @Ava_Jae see the finished copy of her debut for the first time, plus a sneak peek inside BEYOND THE RED! (Click to tweet)

Exciting Things + Guest Post Contest!

So! Lots of exciting things happening lately.

Beyond the Red is releasing in SEVEN DAYS OMG. Some people who pre-ordered will be getting copies this week (eek!), and I'm basically just waiting for Beyond the Red in the wild pics to come in. (Soon!)

In the meantime, the pre-order giveaway is still live (and will be open for entries until March 1st!)—so if you've pre-ordered or are thinking about it, now's your chance! And my indie is also still accepting pre-orders for signed books, but only until tomorrow so time is running out! (*queues Muse song*) Also, if you're an international person interested in signed pre-orders, let me know through my contact page and I'll get you the info you need!

On March 1st at 7PM EST, Heidi Heilig (author of The Girl from Everywhere) and I will be hosting a virtual launch party on Twitter at the hashtag #BTRLaunch! And everyone is invited! There will be coloring, picture things, teasers, giveaways, a Q&A—it'll be a lot of fun. Details are below.

Then from March 16th to March 22nd I'll be in the Maryland and Virginia area with Kathy MacMillan (Sword and Verse), Janet Sumner Johnson (The Last Great Adventure of the PB&J Society) and Laura Shovan (The Last Fifth Grade of Emerson Elementary) on a mini book tour! We'll be speaking at SCBWI that weekend, as well as making appearances at bookstores, libraries, and schools. It'll be fun, and if you're in the area, you should come say hi! And get signed books and see our faces. :)

GUEST POST CONTEST PORTION

But because I will be traveling that week, I've decided to run another guest post contest! I've done this once before, a while ago, and the results are wonderful so I thought it'd be fun to do it again. I've got 4-5 openings for posts in March, which will be up Wednesday the 16th, Friday the 18th, Monday the 21st, Wednesday the 23rd, and (possibly) Friday the 25th. I'll be accepting posts from TODAY to Friday, March 4th, and I'll notify those who have been chosen on or by the 22nd.

Posts should be about writing, books or publishing. I’ll also accept posts about social media geared to writers (i.e.: my tumblr for writers post). Before you submit, make sure I haven’t already covered the topic you’ve written about (or are thinking you might write about) by checking my directory. As of this post, I’ve written 872 posts, so I’ve covered quite a bit.

That said, if I've written about something you'd like to write about, but you have another take on it, or different tips, etc. you're welcome to enter a post on that topic. As long as it's not too similar to what I already have, it'll work. :)

Keep in mind! I’m all for taking a subject that might not traditionally be writing-related and show how it could be helpful to writers. Or put a writerly spin on it. Or something.

As for what I’m looking for, I'd love to host some new voices here on Writability. Bonus points to posts that make me laugh. Or think. Or see something in a new way.

The four to five posts I choose will include a mini-bio of the writer (you!) and up to five links of your choosing, which should hopefully get you some nice exposure since Writability gets pretty steady views. I also expect that you try to answer any comments on your guest post because the community here is wonderful and they'd love to hear from you!

If I don’t get enough entries, I’ll just write up more posts myself. Or if I don’t feel the entries are quite what I’m looking for, I’ll write up posts myself. So as was the case with the last mini guest post contest, whether or not this works entirely depends on you guys.

So you’re interested in entering? Fantastic!

Please use my contact form between now and 11:59PM Friday, March 4th EST to enter a guest post that you have written. The very first line should be "GUEST POST CONTEST ENTRY" in all caps. Like that. Copy and paste the whole post into the message box there below the first line.

You may enter as many posts as you like, as long as they meet the requirements.

Posts should be between 100 and 500 words. 250 is roughly average and anything longer than 500 will probably not be chosen.

Please use block formatting (no indents, single space, double space between paragraphs, plain text) to make my life easy when copying and pasting.

I’ll choose four to five of my favorite entries. What makes them my favorite may vary. Be yourself, write something that would work well subject-wise on this blog and you've got yourself a good shot.

In the event that I get way more entries than I expected, I reserve the right to close the entry period early. Conversely, if I don't get enough entries that I think would fit, I may choose less than four or five (or none at all).

Good luck!

Twitter-sized bite:

Guest post contest! Giveaways! Virtual launch party! Lots of exciting things happening at @Ava_Jae's Writability. (Click to tweet)

Book Review: ILLUMINAE by Amy Kaufman and Jay Kristoff

Photo credit: Goodreads

Sometimes, when a book gets a ton of hype, I get a little skeptical but I also feel more inclined to at least take a look during a stroll at a bookstore. And I'm so glad I did because Illuminae more than lives up to every ounce of the hype.

Before I go on, here's the summary from Goodreads:

"This morning, Kady thought breaking up with Ezra was the hardest thing she’d have to do.

This afternoon, her planet was invaded.

The year is 2575, and two rival megacorporations are at war over a planet that’s little more than an ice-covered speck at the edge of the universe. Too bad nobody thought to warn the people living on it. With enemy fire raining down on them, Kady and Ezra—who are barely even talking to each other—are forced to fight their way onto an evacuating fleet, with an enemy warship in hot pursuit.

But their problems are just getting started. A deadly plague has broken out and is mutating, with terrifying results; the fleet's AI, which should be protecting them, may actually be their enemy; and nobody in charge will say what’s really going on. As Kady hacks into a tangled web of data to find the truth, it's clear only one person can help her bring it all to light: the ex-boyfriend she swore she'd never speak to again.

Told through a fascinating dossier of hacked documents—including emails, schematics, military files, IMs, medical reports, interviews, and more—Illuminae is the first book in a heart-stopping, high-octane trilogy about lives interrupted, the price of truth, and the courage of everyday heroes."

I started reading Illuminae on New Years Eve, thinking that I'd just read maybe twenty pages or so and continue reading the rest the next day. So I read twenty pages. Then I read two hundred more in the same evening. Because I legitimately could not stop reading.

Teens on two space ships, a mutating, dangerous virus, an unforgettable AI, and an enemy space ship ready to destroy them looming ever closer come together to make this book unputdownable.

I haven't read a found materials book in a long time (maybe ever?) but I have to say, I loved the format. The book is written in e-mails, IMs, interviews, etc. and has intense action and conflict right from the start that kept me ripping through the pages. There are loads of twists (some of which had me cursing out loud while I read), lots of people die, so many scenes broke my heart, and it was just an incredibly good read.

Finally, a note on format: this book is beautiful with some truly creative formatting that had me literally flipping the book around to read certain two-page spreads. I've confirmed with some people who have read the e-book version that the formatting does not work nearly as well in the e-version, so if you get it, I highly recommend getting the print version. It's a brick (nearly 600 pages), but the formatting actually makes it a surprisingly quick read, and I promise you, it is so worth it.

Diversity note: All the major characters, as far as I can tell, were cishet and white with exception to one Chinese character. There's more diversity with minor characters both with race and sexual orientation (mostly really minor characters, to be honest), but representation was lacking in the major cast, aside from PTSD and other mental health issues common amongst trauma victims.

Twitter-sized bites:

.@Ava_Jae gives 5 stars to ILLUMINAE by Amie Kaufman & Jay Kristoff. Is this intense, spacey YA SF on your TBR? (Click to tweet)

Looking for an action-packed, creatively-written YA SF? Try ILLUMINAE by Amie Kaufman & Jay Kristoff. (Click to tweet)